I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
