So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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