my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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