I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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