Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
