chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
