If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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