it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
