Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I can't turn off my feet"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
