i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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