jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
