i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
