Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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