I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
