we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
