I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
they need to just BURY HIM!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
