I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
