I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
