I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
