What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
