Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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