how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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