I showed him my bush... on skype.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
