So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
