Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
