The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
