And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
