Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
