It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
