My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
