my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
