i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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