I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
