what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
