Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We have started to decorate penises.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
