do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
