Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
