Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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