yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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