i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
