I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
