I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
