so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
