So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
