my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
