Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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