Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
