Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
