I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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