the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
